(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Hello, Rob. Steve Coogan...
- What's this? - Steve Coogan.
Hey, how are you?
Great. How are you?
Yeah, good. Where are you?
I'm in London - just got back from filming in New York. I play a chef.
It's called Medium Rare.
Er, anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch of the series.
(CHILD WAILS)
They want me to do a series of restaurant reviews.
This time, a trip to Spain.
(APPLAUSE)
ANNOUNCER: And the winner is Steve...
- STEVE: Oh, my God, I've won it! - ...McQueen.
- I've... I've won it! - WOMAN: Sit down.
- Sit down, Steve. - (LAUGHTER)
What? Why?
- I'm Steve Coogan. - It's Steve McQueen!
- Oh, my God. - What?
Sorry. Sorry!
(HE SIGHS)
Hey, Greg, it's Steve.
- Hi, Steve, how are you? - Good, good.
Good, good.
You're still in New York? I hear very good things about the series.
- No, I'm in Spain with Rob. - Right. OK.
Er, look, Greg, did you know that Matt had left the US agency?
Yes. Yes, I did, um...
Yes, I did know that. I was going to call you, actually.
Did you know about this before I did?
No. No, not at all, no.
Right, and do you know
that his assistant, Jonathan, is taking over his client list?
Yes, you see, Jonathan, I think, is very good.
I think he's very bright. So, er...
What's happening with Matt's other clients?
Er... well, I know that Ricky's...
Ricky's gone with him.
And... um, er, Will Ferrell.
And did he ask Ricky to go with him?
- Yes. Yeah, he did. - He didn't ask me.
Yeah, but you see,
I think you're seen more... more as a writer, Steve.
I mean, so you wouldn't... wouldn't really, sort of, need a manager
as well as an agent, so...
So, which clients are staying with the new assistant?
Er, Kevin Kline. I can't really see him going anywhere else.
Um...
(HE SIGHS)
Look, er, Greg, will you do me a favour, please?
Can you find out why the script for Missing hasn't been green-lit yet?
That hasn't happened?
I mean, that... absolutely, I know, that should have happened.
I'll get on to that, I'll get on to that, straightaway.
Thank you.
So, you're out in Spain with Rob Brydon?
Yes, I'm with Rob Brydon.
That must be fun.
Yes, it's a lot of fun. Thank you very much, goodbye.
OK. Bye.
We started here, in Santander,
and now we're in Hondarribia.
- Yes. - Then we're going to go to Pamplona,
and after that, we're going on to Sos.
- Where's the bottom? - The bottom is here.
Bloody hell.
Pamplona is where they do the bull run.
The bull run, of course. As featured in...?
In, well, as featured in, er, Ernest Hemingway's, er,
The Sun Also Rises.
And City Slickers with Billy Crystal.
- Don't know, I haven't... - Daniel Stern...
- Haven't seen that film. - Bruno Kirby. You've not seen it?
- No. - Have you not seen City Slickers?
(STEVE SIGHS)
Ernest Hemingway wrote
The Sun Also Rises about his trips from Paris,
where he used to hang out with all his American intellectual expats,
and they'd go on little jollies to Pamplona to watch the bull run,
and just hang out.
- I thought that's what he'd write about. - Yeah.
He wrote about getting drunk with his friends?
Yeah, writing about a load of drunk blokes, you know,
arguing and drinking.
Is that what we're going to do?
It's essentially what we do - well, in your case, just arguing.
- Not drinking. - Yeah, yeah.
The crazy thing is, Hemingway, Laurie Lee,
George Orwell all volunteered for... to fight in the Spanish Civil War.
No-one would go off and fight in someone else's war these days.
It happens with Isis.
But it happens with the baddies, that's the difference.
It's happening for... It's working for the baddies.
Yes, I suppose - well, that's the way it's caricatured.
It's true, isn't it? It's true!
- Yes. - People are going to Syria.
Yeah.
That's because they believe in the cause.
- I know. - It's just they're not on our side.
And don't castigate me for characterising them as baddies and goodies,
cos that's how I see it.
If a... a drone dropped a bomb on your house and killed your family...
- (PHONE RINGS) - ...I think you might consider
the Americans are the baddies.
I mean, who are the goodies... to you?
Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and, er...
- BOTH: Bill Oddie. - Yeah, OK. Well, we can agree on that.
- Yeah. - Hello.
Steve. Hi, it's Emma, how's it going?
Oh, great. Well... yeah, I lost my bloody sunglasses.
Oh, no. Did you check your bags? I actually packed you some spares.
Listen, the Medium Rare PR team have called,
and they want you to go to a posh restaurant
while you're in the Basque region.
They want one with a Michelin star.
Well, we were going to go to Pamplona today, so...
No, I know, I know, but they're pretty determined.
So I found you one down by Bilbao.
- How far is it? - It's called Etxebarri.
It's only about an hour or so away.
And all the reviews say it's absolutely delicious.
- Um, OK, all right, just... All right. - Yeah?
OK, we'll go there, yeah.
All right, have a nice lunch. Bye!
ROB: Very nice just to sit like this.
Well, I tell you what I like about this place is the fact that
they've incorporated the ruin into the hotel beautifully.
It's very nicely done.
The spirituality of imperfection.
- That's what that is. - That's all I've got to hold on to.
Well, I'm not talking physically,
I'm talking about emotionally and temperamentally.
You know, the British are sort of obsessed with, like,
preserving things, "Don't touch it, don't touch it."
The National Trust, or the National Front, as I call them.
- Yeah. - So Nazi-like about their, kind of,
"Don't touch that", you know, "Don't lean on that thing."
Sally and I are members of the National Trust.
Yeah, well, I mean, look, they're important, don't get me wrong.
The feeling when you drive into one of their car parks with the sticker
- down front left, is... hard to beat. - Yeah.
ROB: Right, this is what Jay Rayner says.
"Victor..."
(AS VICTOR MELDREW) Victor Meldrew. "I don't believe it."
Can you do him?
- Um... - (AS STEVE) I choose not to.
"Victor... Arguinzoniz uses a cooking method
"so basic even cavemen would recognise it
"and yet has become a point of pilgrimage
"for food nerds from around the world.
"Perhaps you regard yourself as something of a barbecue king -
"compared to Victor, you are a lightweight,
"little better than the caveman
"who first cracked the flints together to get a spark
"because he found raw mammoth a bit tough on the teeth."
So, it's essentially a barbecue.
(STEVE HUMS)
- Where do we go? - In here.
ROB: Can you read that? That is tiny, look at that.
Yeah.
Seriously? You can read that at that distance?
Yeah.
- Really, you can't read that? - No, I've got to go there.
Can you read that?
(HE READS IN SPANISH)
Tell me, which line can you read, Mr Coogan?
- Can you read the top line? - Ah... yes.
What's the lowest line you can see, Mr Coogan?
Um... the bottom line's not legible.
All right.
And is this better or worse?
Er, that's better.
- Better? - No, worse.
Or worse? Wait until I've asked you.
Is it better...?
- No. - No, wait until I've offered you.
Is it better or worse?
Better.
Better?
- Or worse? - Better.
Well, don't raise your hands. It could be that you are... long-sighted,
in which case that would be worse.
Yeah.
- So don't patronise the optician. - OK.
Yeah, I don't... I'm a bit lost with all these words.
- Lots of Xs and... - That's Basque.
- Basque. - I know it's Basque, Rob.
They just make it unnecessarily complex.
It's a device used by nationalist movements
to try and disenfranchise the more imperialist country.
It's like Gaelic, isn't it? And, er, Welsh.
Do you know what the Welsh word for carrot is?
No.
Moron.
(CHATTER)
- Oh... - The fresh cheese.
- Thank you. - And the goat butter.
- Ah. - Thank you.
They are home made.
We have buffaloes in our farmhouse,
and every day to milk and Victor makes the fresh cheese.
Enjoy.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
What she was saying was that they have their own buffaloes.
She was saying it in English.
Yeah, but... your hearing...
I've noticed your hearing is not what it was.
Do you mind me saying that?
Listen, stop distracting you and me
from the fact that your Spanish is appalling.
I think what you were trying to do before was...
(HE EMITS BUZZING NOISE)
(BUZZING STOPS)
Sorry, my-my...
- (BUZZING STARTS) - Bloody... bloody batteries.
(BUZZING)
Wait, wait. I can't, it's playing up.
Hang on, hang on.
Right, try it again.
- (BUZZING) - Oh! Shit.
Steve, wait, wait, I can't hear a word, mate.
It's the batteries. Steve!
Steve, I can't hear anything.
Ssh! Steve, Steve, stop. Wait, I've got to...
Very good.
OK, is that better now?
(AS MAN IN BOX) You still can't do this, can you? No matter how hard you try,
you'll never be able to do the small man in a box.
Whereas I think that your man... small man in a box is brilliant,
it is also the apotheosis of your career.
ROB: Mmm.
- Incredible. - Mmm.
Sum it up for me.
The butter is life-affirming butter.
Life-affirming butter. L-A-B.
The buffalo?
- Wow. - Wow.
That is just... bliss.
(CHATTER)
This one is the home-made chorizo.
We buy Iberian pork meat from Salamanca,
and Victor makes the chorizo like his grandmother.
- Wow. - It's the same chorizo, just cooked
or cured.
Cooked or cured.
And one corn croquette.
Muchas gracias. Encantado.
When she said, "He makes chorizo like his grandmother,"
is that what she looked like?
No, Rob, he means the way his grandmother used to make it.
- Well, I think she should be more clear. - Mmm.
Because I'm picturing a grizzled old woman
with the external appearance of chorizo.
Well you're the only person who is, mate.
Yeah.
Mmm.
- Fantastic. - Mmm.
- Wow. - Hang on...
If his grandmother tasted like this,
I'd have a nibble.
(STEVE SNIGGERS)
Come, come, Mr Coogan, come, come.
You're beginning to thaw, sir, beginning to thaw.
No, I will laugh at stuff if it's good.
Oh... my shoulder.
What have you done to it?
Just getting out of bed in the morning, just pulled it.
You can't rush out of bed. You've got to...
You know what I've been told to do?
Stretch while lying down.
- Before you're upright. - You rotate it.
You look like a tentative Nazi.
(HE CHUCKLES)
(CARTOONISH GERMAN ACCENT) Ah... I think what we're doing,
you know, is so wrong on so many levels, but I just can't stop.
Why are your Nazis so camp?
(IN CAMP VOICE) Oh, I'm a Nazi. Oh!
- You tell me... Führer. - Heil Hitler.
Was he furious?
He will be.
It's the tomato salad.
We have one green vegetables garden,
and all the vegetables in the tasting menu,
they are from this garden.
- Ah, thank you. - Muchas gracias.
- Again, delicious. - Yeah?
Mmm, mmm.
There are few things worse in this life than a tomato with no flavour.
- This is the antithesis of that. - Well...
Dunno - bombing in Syria, that might pip it at the post.
- Really? - Yeah.
OK. We continue.
Grilled mussels.
Ah!
With carrot juice.
- Carrot juice? - Yes.
Bueno.
"Moron juice" in Welsh.
Oh, no, no, Steve.
- Look, look. - I know.
- But what do we do? - We... We just take one.
All right.
Mmm.
- Wow. - Well, here it is, Mr Coogan.
We managed to get it out.
Um, I mean, the good news is, it's benign.
The bad news is, we found seven more of them.
Some of them have gone into the lymph nodes.
Now, you've got a year,
a good year left.
(HE CHOKES LAUGHING)
Well, I'm glad you find it funny, Mr Coogan.
I advise you put your affairs in order,
say goodbye to family, friends, loved ones -
have a chat with that Brydon fellow, he does make me laugh.
Are you going to read that book while we eat lunch?
Or have you just brought it
- as a sort of badge? - No, I brought it because I'm...
I'm emulating his journey.
"As I walked out one summer morning."
What would your version be? "As I drove out one summer morning
"in my V8 Land Rover."
- Range Rover. - Range Rover. Sorry, sorry.
- That's a terrible mistake. - Yeah.
How much of it have you read?
Um, about a quarter.
- But he's good. - Well, it's a big book.
Good Lord, another one.
- One Sauvignon Blanc. - Ah, yes.
- To link with the grilled scallops. - Ah.
- The caviar is from Iran. - Oh!
- Enjoy. - Estupendo.
Iranian caviar.
Please. Go first.
No, no, no. Please. You go first.
(AS SEAN CONNERY) Well, before I do, Scaramanga,
why don't I turn them that way?
In which case, should you have
- interfered with my... - In my country,
it is always traditional that the nearest scallop
is served to the guest.
Where I come from, it is... a custom
to... proffer the larger scallop to the guest.
In my country, when such an offer is made,
it is traditional to turn the plate round twice
and replace it on the table.
Come, come, Mr Bond,
you enjoy the scallop just as much as I do.
Please, eat.
Bottoms up.
Goodbye, Mr Bond.
Mr Bond?
Goodbye.
You should pay more attention to your chef.
He's working for Her Majesty's government.
(ROB CHOKES)
Prawns of Palamós.
Palamós is Girona, next to Barcelona.
Thank you.
- Wow. - You're welcome.
- Enjoy. - Gracias.
Um...
Ssh, he's sleeping.
Can I just... take this, sir?
(HE GROWLS)
Let him get some rest. Ssh!
- What is this, a giant...? - So, break the head off the organisation.
Oh, good Lord, has it not been gutted?
Do you know, I had a friend of a friend
who used to work at a slaughterhouse,
and his job was to scoop the shit out of the intestine - seriously -
so they could use the intestine to make sausages.
(AS STEPHEN HAWKING) The food at this restaurant
is very good.
(AS SMALL STEPHEN HAWKING IN A BOX) It certainly is.
Wow.
- Baby squid. - Squid, thank you.
Squid, then leek.
And one white wine, Viognier,
from Toledo.
- Toledo? Mmm! - I've been there.
- That's lovely. - Also, a song by
Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello.
(AS COSTELLO) ♪ Do the people living in Toledo
♪ Know that the name
♪ Doesn't travel very well-eh-eh-ell... ♪
♪ Oliver's army are on their way
♪ Oliver's army are here to stay
♪ And I would rather be anywhere else
♪ Than here today. ♪
That's... that's Elvis Costello.
- You all right? - Mmm.
- Oh, golly. - The last one. The beef chop.
- With salad. - They call me The Carnivore.
Welcome.
And the wine is from Canary Island.
I don't care, it looks great.
- Thank you. - You prefer the meat.
- Fantastic. Thank you very much. - Thank you.
- Look at that. - Eh?
Come on.
- Taste it, taste it. - Wait a minute.
Taste it.
I'm sawing through it first.
Yeah? That's pretty lovely, isn't it?
That's amazingly flavourful.
That is... that is really nice.
You know why I could never be a vegetarian?
(STEVE SIGHS)
What?
I'm waiting for you to tell me.
Because I love meat.
OK.
Oh!
- Smoked-milk ice cream... - Wow.
- ...with beetroot juice. - Smoked milk?
Yes, the cow's milk,
- first boiled on the grill... - Yes?
...and smoked before make the ice cream.
And the dessert wine from the Spanish Pyrenees.
I was hoping there'd be more wine.
- Thank you! - Thank you.
Muchas gracias.
So it's been boiled, the milk?
Mmm.
- This is wonderful. - Mmm.
I've been reading more of Don Quixote.
- Slowly making my way through. - Mmm!
It's essentially the beginnings of the classic double act
that went on - Morecambe and Wise, Abbott and Costello, Little and Large.
- Laurel and Hardy came before them. - Laurel and Hardy.
When he picks up the phone in the bedroom,
and he just picks it up and he says...
"It certainly is."
Well, what did he say?
He said "It's a long distance from California."
D'oh!
Mmm.
That is very, very nice.
I didn't want to eat anything else, but that is fantastic.
The worst thing, the menu.
Don't worry, leave it to me. Leave it to me. Thank you very much.
Muchas gracias.
(AS HENRY KELLY) Can I first say, how wonderful to be back.
Thank you for all your letters.
It's time to play Guess The Bill one more time, and our contestant,
a returning champion from series one,
is young Stephen Coogan from Pedantry.
Steve, welcome to you.
It's been a wonderful meal, it's been a taster menu,
everybody's had a good time, but Steve...
Rob, just before you go on,
what part of Ireland are you from, exactly?
Because it seems to lack specificity.
- I'm from the mainland, so I am. - The mainland, ah, that'll explain it.
My mother had a bike.
Stephen, is the bill...? And remember now,
no helping at home and none of you texting in with your SMS messages.
I can't keep up with the new-fangled technology, so I can't!
Steve, is the total for this eight-course taster menu,
is it 343 euro 75?
Is it 400 euro and 60?
Or is it 296 euro?
And Steve, I must take your first answer.
Oh, the pained look on his face.
I'm just waiting for him, I know.
Um...
I don't want to rush him. We can edit it later.
Come on, would you like me to go through it again for you?
- 400. - What?
- It's the 400. - Oh,
I'm sorry, Steve, it's not, it was 343.75.
Could you give a wave to everybody at home?
Do join us again next week at the same time for Guess The Bill.
Which charity are you playing for tonight?
- Er...
You don't know cos you don't care, selfish bugger. Just wave.
- For people with... - Just wave.
Just wave, Stephen, just wave - it's too late, they can't hear us now,
the credits are rolling.
A charity for people with learning difficulties.
Oh, well, it begins at home.
BOTH: ♪ Where are those happy days
♪ They seem so hard to find... ♪
ROB: Good.
♪ I try to reach for you
♪ But you have closed your mind... ♪
ROB: That's better.
♪ Whatever happened to our love
♪ I wish I understood
♪ It used to be so nice
♪ It used to be so good... ♪
Come on now.
BOTH: (AS JIMMY SAVILE) ♪ So when you're near me, darling
♪ Can't you hear me, SOS
♪ The look you gave me Nothing else can save me, SOS. ♪
STEVE: Did I tell you his Range Rover was for sale?
ROB: Yes, you were going to bid for it, weren't you?
Before it all came out. Good God, imagine if you had.
It was interesting, because it had curtains in it.
I bet it did, bloody hell!
ROB: Now then, starter for ten,
what is the Camino de Santiago?
Um...
"The pilgrims' route to
"Santiago de Compostela, where St James
- "is supposed to be buried..." - Yeah.
"...became the most important destination for Christians
"after Rome and Jerusalem."
I went to the ultimate pilgrimage to see the Pope.
I went there with Philomena - I introduced Philomena to the Pope.
And we welcome Philomena back into the conversation -
it's been a good five to six minutes since he last brought it up.
But no, no, go on, always nice to hear.
- Well, I mean... - So you were there for, so what...?
I can't pretend it's not been a significant part of my life,
but there you go.
I can't pretend it's not been a significant part of this bloody journey.
Ah...
- This is nice, isn't it? - Wonderful.
- Lovely. - You look like...
- What? - ..the man who'd follow James Bond,
at a distance, in one of the Sean Connery films.
- One of the early films. - But would never say anything.
Never speak.
Just be mysterious. A sinister figure.
A sinister figure following him.
"Sos Del Rey Católico." Now, what does that mean?
Er, "Del Rey" is "the reign", er, Catholic reign,
so it's "the Sos of the Catholic King".
Because that's where...
- King Ferdinand was born here. - Right here.
Right here - well, not here, but, you know, round here.
He introduced the Spanish Inquisition?
- Yes, indeed. - Are you sure about that?
He was a Catholitic converter, in a way.
- Very good. You're on fire. - Cheers.
You would actually make a very good inquisitor, I think,
for the Spanish Inquisition.
- Don't take this the wrong way. - No.
- You have an inquisitive nature. - Inquisitive mind, yeah.
And you have a cruel side. You do have a cruel side.
Well, it's only a short leap, isn't it, from curiosity to, er,
murderous intent.
I mean, er, it's quite a large leap.
- It's a very large leap. - It's a big leap.
If I was questioning you and you were on the rack,
I'd start out with some simple questions. Like, I'd just say,
"OK, just warm meself up - just give me your name, address.
- Tell me what you had for breakfast. - Rob Brydon.
- Yeah. - London.
Yeah, and what did you have for breakfast?
- Scrambled eggs. - Lovely stuff, OK.
Is that it, can I go now?
No, no, I'm going to ask you a few more questions. Just take it easy.
- Oh, my God, it's really hurting. - Uh...
What is your favourite kind of music?
Bruce Springsteen.
OK, all right, OK.
- Is that it? - No, no, no. No, no.
How many BAFTAs have you won?
- What? - How many BAFTAs have you won?
I can't hear you.
OK, OK. Just give it another notch, guys.
- (ROB GROANS) - How many BAFTAs?
- I've got a Welsh one! - Well, one Welsh BAFTA.
Thank you. You see how easy that was?
See how easy it was to answer the question?
OK. Now...
I've been nominated seven times for the normal ones.
I didn't ask you that.
- Give it another notch. - (ROB YELLS)
How tall is he?
Five eight and a half.
- Ooh! Really? - Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
That's not bad, eh?
OK, one more question that you won't want to answer -
cos I'm trying to get you up to 5' 9". I'm on your side here. OK?
Do you want to quit at 5' 8" and a half?
- Or do you want to go for the 5' 9"? - 5' 9"!
He's going to go for the 5' 9"!
OK, one more question.
- Rob. - Yep?
Do you believe
in the Lord God Almighty?
- I'd rather not say. - Give it another couple of notches.
- And we are at 5' 9". - Oh, thanks!
Rob Brydon - let him go!
You leave here as a 5' 9" man. Congratulations.
Thank you, Steve. Oh, I've hit my head.
There you go! That's going to be a problem you have to contend with now.
You'll have to let your trousers down, too - ladies and gentlemen, Rob Brydon.
WOMAN: Hello?
- Hello, good evening... - Hello!
...and welcome.
(LAUGHING) How nice to hear your voice.
Is the house quiet and calm?
Well, it is now.
For the time being.
Charlie keeps waking up.
I think he's missing you.
Are you missing me?
- Yeah, of course. - (GERMAN ACCENT) Answer the question -
are you missing me?
- Terribly! - Yeah, good, OK.
I'm pining for you.
Ah, speaking of pine,
what's the latest on the...?
On the... With the wood situation?
Yes.
They need to know, is it oak
or ash or walnut that we want?
As you know, you are in sole charge of all wood.
It is your responsibility.
- It's my department? - It is your...!
You are under full instructions to take any wood matters in hand,
and see them through to their logical conclusion.
- As I do on a regular basis, yes. - Indeed, yes.
It's definitely my area of responsibility.
I'm missing you.
(AS HUGH GRANT) Are you missing Hugh?
- (SHE CHUCKLES) - Ah, gosh.
Because I think Hugh would have something to say
about the choice of wood.
I'd be happy if the wood was oak, ash, pine,
or MDF, that common people use.
I really wouldn't mind at all.
How's Steve?
- He's being good. - Yeah?
I didn't know he was in that film with Judi Dench,
the one about the Irish woman.
It's incredible how he can relate anything to Philomena.
"What did you have for breakfast?"
(AS STEVE) "I had some great breakfast on Philomena, actually.
"Yeah, cos Judi, Judi has a light breakfast."
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)